


Body Swap

by FeralCreed



Series: Losers Bingo 2019/2020 [4]
Category: The Losers (2010), The Losers (Comic)
Genre: body swap wooo, but also how could i pass this up, enjoy the product of my feverish brain, expect significant edits once i'm better honestly, i feel like i should also tag this with i'm sorry, in a 'i have to pee and this body is not mine' way, kinda surprised i never wrote a body swap au before now honestly, might actually die this time, no beta we die like men, talk about touching dicks but not like in a sexy way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-19 20:50:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22937647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeralCreed/pseuds/FeralCreed
Summary: Whaddup I wrote this while I have the flu and I'm hoping it's legible cause I wanted to get at least half my bingo squares done but I've also had a shitton of flu meds so yoloCougar and Jensen body swap AU featuring perpetually annoyed team dads Clay and Roque. You can read this as pre-slash Cougar/Jensen and Clay/Roque if you want. Or not. I'm not your parent.
Series: Losers Bingo 2019/2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1640743
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19
Collections: Losers Bingo 2019/20





	Body Swap

“Okay,” Cougar says. “I need you to not freak out, because if you do, that's gonna freak us out, well, even more than we're already freaked out, and that's not going to help anything, especially since it's not like either of us knew this was going to happen-” 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Clay cuts him off. He's always thought that he's seen his team in every state imaginable, but he's never seen Cougar _babbling_. Until now, he hadn't thought that the man physically could. But evidently he had been very wrong. 

And then Jensen edges into his office, taking small and uncertain steps, shoulders drawn tight, and Clay immediately knows that something is very wrong. He's only seen Jensen look like this a handful of times and it was always after the kind of horrific nightmares you get from black ops work. Combined with the way Cougar had entered his office, he's wondering if he somehow missed a message about the world ending in fifteen minutes. There can be no other explanation for the way these two are currently looking nothing like themselves. 

“So, like I said, you shouldn't freak out,” Cougar repeats. “But you remember that weird glowy tech thing we found on that last mission? And we kept it because we wanted to see if it would explode or not, and Roque was the one who suggested it, so technically you can't blame it on me?” 

“Jensen was the one who wanted to keep it,” Clay says slowly. “Cougar, what's the matter?” 

“I'm Jensen,” Cougar says. “I pressed that button. The one that you all said that I shouldn't push. On the side of the thing. And Cougar was in the room with me, and he tried to get me out of the way, and then we both started glowing too, and next thing I knew, I was in Cougar's body and Cougar was in mine, and that's why he looks weird, because he's not used to being so big. Not like that. Okay, maybe like that, I've never seen his dick so I can't really say for sure-” 

“I never want to hear about your or Cougar's dick again,” Clay interrupts him. “But you're trying to tell me that you messed with tech you didn't understand and now you and Cougar are in each other's bodies? Like some kind of sci-fi movie? I appreciate the ingenuity, and I don't even want to know how you got Cougar to talk that much, but I've got shit to do.” 

“He's telling the truth,” Jensen grits out. “I thought it would explode.” 

And that's what unnerves Clay the most, because for all that it's strange to see Cougar rambling – Jensen would never be able to be so succinct. He leans back and stares at the two men standing in his office. Jensen shifts his weight from one foot to the other, gaze flicking to each of the windows behind Clay's desk. Cougar is bouncing on his feet, chewing his lip, and folding and unfolding his arms. God, this couldn't have happened, could it? 

“What the fuck, guys,” he says tiredly. Jensen and Cougar shrug in unison. At least that hasn't changed. Somehow the two people on the team who are least like each other manage to always be on the same wavelength. To a degree that has had Clay wondering about Vulcan-esque mind melds in the past. Evidently that wasn't the thing that he should have been worried about. 

Roque comes into the room and stops to stare at them. It must be obvious that there's something wrong, now that Cougar and Jensen are in the same room, and Clay can feel his blood pressure slowly rising. 

“I was gonna tell you that there's something weird with that glow cube that Jensen was dumb enough to want to poke, but you've already figured that out,” he says. Clay simply nods. “Fuckin' A.” 

He leaves and closes the door behind him. Clay feels annoyedly betrayed by his departure. _Why thank you, Roque, it's so nice of you to offer to help me figure out what's going on and undo this before someone finds out what happened. The last thing we need is Jensen and Cougar getting kidnapped by some weirdass lab to be experimented on._

Roque is forgiven when he comes back in with a full bottle of vodka. He cracks the seal, takes a long swig, and passes it over to Clay. Clay says nothing and simply drinks. Not enough, but he unfortunately will need a clear head to deal with this, so the majority of the bottle will have to wait until they get this all straightened out. Or until he gets fed up with the situation and needs to think about something besides the fact that two of his teammates are currently in each other's bodies. 

“So what's our plan?” Roque asks. Under any other circumstances, Clay would be a little flattered at how quickly Roque assumes he has a plan and places faith in his leadership. But under the circumstances? He just gives his SIC a flat stare for a moment before taking another sip from the bottle. 

“Fuck if I know. We gotta figure out how to undo whatever the cube did. Jensen, did you manage to figure anything out before... this happened?” 

“Not really,” Cougar – no Jensen – says. He looks a little shameful. 

_Good,_ Clay thinks, but simply sighs. The last thing he needs to do is make this situation worse. “All right, well, go and see what you can find out about this thing. At this rate, I think anything would help. Cougar, you might as well stay with him. If anyone sees either of you, they're going to realize what happened, and sooner rather than later. Roque and I are gonna talk about this and figure out what the best next step is if you can't get things undone.” 

Cougar and Jensen leave. Roque stares at him. 

“And just what the fuck are we supposed to do about this?” 

“It sounded better than saying that we're gonna sit in here and drink until this sounds like an even slightly more normal situation.” 

“Yeah,” Roque agrees after a moment. “Yeah, it does.” He sits down and holds his hand out until Clay passes him the bottle.

* * *

“Sooo,” Jensen says hesitantly, spinning around in a desk chair. “This is kind of weird.” 

Cougar simple stares at him. It's freaky to see that blank yet exasperated look on his own face. Jensen wonders how the hell he's supposed to read Cougar as well as he usually does when he's looking at himself. He knows his own expressions, well enough, but Cougar's are so different from his own that he finds himself briefly confused by even the most common ones. This is going to be a hell of a day. Or week. God, how long is it going to take to fix this thing? 

“I promise I'm not wasting time talking to you,” Jensen adds. “I had the cube hooked up to some sensors when the, uh, swap happened, so I'm waiting for the data to compile. It's going to take a little bit but it'll be a lot easier to understand. I wish I could call someone for help, but there's no way I could explain this without people showing up and having all kinds of questions that I can't answer. Although I could explain it as book research. Maybe. If all else fails.” 

Cougar gives him a look that makes Jensen pause for a moment before he sighs. Okay, yeah, he has no idea what that meant. Cougar's face is easy to understand. His face always looks more or less the same, with only the slightest changes that somehow manage to portray intense emotions, and Jensen's own face is nothing like that. He doesn't know how to read those raised eyebrows and twitching lips when it's on a face he's only seen in the mirror. 

“I get that this is weird to ask, but, you need to actually talk to me. I can't figure out our facial expressions when it's on my face. And it's weird. I know it's weird. Because I'm looking at my own body and I'm not in it. And I'm asking you to _talk_ of all things.” 

“Shouldn't ask,” Cougar interrupts him. “Questions you can't answer.” 

“Okay, yeah, that's fair,” Jensen agrees, spinning his chair around again. “And it's not just me. I gotta think about you too. If someone figures things out, it's gonna put you in danger too. And that's the last thing I want, because you're the most important person to me, and I'd probably never forgive myself if I got you killed, and the other Losers would be pretty upset too. They all like you. Even Roque. Who doesn't seem like he likes anyone, but I can tell, he's not really as cranky as he pretends to be. Sometimes. Sometimes he is.” 

Cougar sighs and turns half away from him to look out the window. Jensen's used to that, because it's what Cougar always does when he's vaguely annoyed but not enough to leave him, but it's still strange to see it. He spins around in his chair again, then grabs at the edge of his desk when his laptop chimes. Oh, thank god, his laptop has finished compiling the data it got. 

But when he looks at it, well, most of it doesn't make any sense. He doesn't even know the origin of the cube. Government experiment? Aliens? Mutants? Cougar's guess is as good as his. But there's a few things that stand out to him. Like the fact that this element has been identified as silver, but the atomic weight is way off, and the isotopes for what was identified as carbon... eesh. Aliens is looking more and more likely. Hopefully not the xenomorph kind, because that would be weird. 

Weirder. 

He sighs and props his chin in his hands as he stares at the computer display. Well this is going to be harder than he expected. He nudges the brim of his hat up and pauses. Oh, yeah. He got swapped into Cougar's body and that means that he's also wearing the hat. Never thought this would happen. Okay, okay, so he'd occasionally wondered if there was anything he could do to earn a chance to wear this for a few minutes. It seemed like he'd gotten his wish. He lounges back in the chair, distracted for a moment as he tries to mimic the way that Cougar always sits. 

“Hey, how do I look? Like you, right?” He tilts his head down and smirks in Cougar's direction. The sigh he hears doesn't need any translation. It amuses him anyway. “Okay, but seriously, do you want your hat back? Would it make you feel better? Would it even fit on you?” He pauses and then starts snickering at the unintentional innuendo he just made. 

Cougar gets up, walks over, and takes his hat back. Jensen pouts at him. It does nothing. It seems as though his inability to get Cougar to handle his antics has nothing to do with what he looks like. Good to know. He turns back to his monitor to look through the rest of the information. He's going to have to run so many more tests to even start to get to the bottom of what just happened with him and Cougar.

* * *

“All right, seriously, though, what the hell?” Roque says. It's been twenty minutes. The vodka bottle is half empty. Clay's still holding it, turning it around and around in his hands. 

“I have no idea. We've been through weird shit before, though, Roque. The Losers always got each others' backs. Just like you've always had my back.” 

“So what's your plan?” 

“Fuck if I know,” Clay grumbles, and Roque barks out a laugh. Clay grabs a pencil to throw at him and isn't surprised by his SIC's total lack of repentance. He wouldn't know what to do without Roque, though, so he's learned how to deal with it. The two of them have never been far from each other's sides for... decades, at this point. Clay relies on him more than anyone. 

“We're gonna have to plan for what happens if someone finds out,” Roque says. 

“God, I know,” Clay groans. “Pooch has got his family.” 

“And you're a career military man,” Roque adds. 

“You wouldn't know what to do outside of the military either.” 

“Cougar would be furious if he had to leave his rifle.” 

“Most of us would want to murder Jensen in two weeks.” 

Roque barks out a laugh. “If that.” 

“Yeah. If that.”

* * *

“Okay, well, we know that it's alien,” Jensen says. He tosses a tennis ball at the wall and catches it on the rebound. “There's no way that the way these elements are behaving could happen on this world. There's just... not. So there's alien life out there somehow, which is really cool, and I always figured that if I realized they existed, I would be super excited, but somehow that's managed to be overshadowed by the fact that I'm in your body. Which is a very nice body. Don't take that the wrong way. But I still feel like it's going to be really, really, really awkward when I have to pee because that means I'm gonna be touching your dick. Even if I'm not seeing it in a sexy way. Is that weird?” 

Cougar gives him a look that Jensen can still easily interpret as annoyed. Oh yeah, the tennis ball thing annoys him. The movement always catches his eye, and on an already annoying day, he actually complains about the repetitive noise. Jensen feels bad about it sometimes. Kind of. But it helps him think, and if he actually needs to focus on a problem, it's usually something pretty serious, so anything that helps is great. 

“I already peed,” Cougar states. 

“Oh my god!” Jensen shrieks. “You've touched my dick! Cougar! You can't just spring that on a guy! You need to tell me when you touch my dick! It's something I need to know about!” 

“This sounds like a bad time,” Clay says, and Jensen yelps and falls out of his chair. 

“Have y'all really taken the time to have sex?” Roque demands as he stalks into the room after Clay. “That's nasty.” 

“No, Cougar peed, and he's in my body, which means he had to touch my dick to do it, and he didn't even tell me!” 

“That is not a problem,” Roque says, staring at him. “Not with what's going on.” 

“It feels like a problem,” Jensen grumbles. 

“Jensen says it's alien,” Cougar interjects, because they'll be talking about this all day otherwise, and it's really not important, considering what they're currently dealing with. 

“Well, shit,” Clay says, and Cougar nods in agreement. “So what else do you know?” 

“I think the weird markings on the sides might actually be some kind of instructions. And there's a chance that I can run a few translation programs and see if any of them can be translated into something English, because most written languages are fairly equivalent, I think, so we might get lucky.” 

“Have you tried pressing the button that started all this?” Roque asks. Everyone stares at him. 

“That's... actually a really good idea,” Jensen says. “Okay, you guys might want to move.” He reaches out to pick up the cube and Roque collars Clay and drags him out of the room, slamming the door behind him. “Yolo!” 

He presses the button. For a moment, nothing happens, and Jensen sighs before going to put the cube back on the table. Then it starts glowing, and he yells in excitement before the glow whites out his vision. 

“God, please tell me that worked,” Jensen says, his eyes still squeezed shut. There's no answer from Cougar, and he opens one eye. Holy shit, it's Cougar who's sitting across from him. Actual Cougar. Dark eyes, long dark hair, tan skin. He glances down at himself and has never been happier to see a Star Wars tee and baggy jeans with a ketchup stain on one thigh. 

Someone bangs on the door. A moment later, Clay opens the door, and looks fairly relieved to see that nobody is bleeding or on fire. He glances between Jensen and Cougar, eyebrows raised, and heaves a sigh when Jensen shoots fingerguns at him. 

“Looks like it worked.” 

“Thank fuck,” Roque grumbles. “Clay and me are taking the cube and you're not getting your hands on it again, Jensen, or I'm gonna cut your head off.” 

“Okay, yeah, that's fair,” Jensen agrees, “but really, don't you think that that's a little dramatic, too? What are you guys even going to do with it? It's alien tech, we could probably learn a lot, and I can only imagine the kind of advancements we could make, with tech, and vehicles, and phones, and all kinds of things- Hey!” 

Roque stalks over to the desk, grabs the cube, and stalks back out of the room. He doesn't tell Jensen what he does with it.


End file.
